GUNS ARE GOOD

ZINE

2007-11-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

Yeah the one you can read while you're on the toilet, "127 Girls" is now on the coffee table at Stikki Records... go pick up a copy. It's FREE!!!

Whaddya mean this isn't a porn magazine?
Sorry to dissapoint anyone (& I'm sure there are many of you) but it's actually a reference to how many times New Kids on The Block say 'girl' on their 1988 album "Hangin Tough", which is undoubtedly their most ghetto release. We may consider porn for future issues.
Any contributions, email Stephy Wilecat: stephywilecat@hotmail.com

Don't stop the plane, I want to get off...

2007-10-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have u done it with ropes n chain?
Have you done it on a plane?

"Two duck hunters paddled to the wreck and rescued, much to their amazement, the naked couple. Apparently, Lawrence Sperry stated the crash "divested" them of their clothing. The couple was brought to Southside Hospital, with Sperry walking, and Polk alongside in a stretcher."

November 1916: Lawrence Sperry began giving flying lessons to a New York socialite, Mrs. Waldo Polk. Evidently engaging in carnal pleasure through the benefit of Sperry's recently devised autopilot; something went wrong, and the plane plunged 500 feet into Great South Bay.

The term "Mile High Club" refers to two* people engaging in sexual activity (sexual intercourse) at an altitude of no less than 5,280 ft (a mile high above the earth) in an airplane. Thus, jerking off on the plane does not constitute membership into the Mile High Club.

I’m not sure if there’s already an official ‘point scoring system’ for the Mile High Club but I’ve made my own… and here are some tips on scoring your very own Mile High Hook up with…

Hot passengers (5 points per passenger):

1) Stop at nothing to sit next to your Mile High Candidate. Yes, this means trampling over the elderly and small children to get to your seat of choice and/or having to split up passengers who have rightfully booked the particular seats.
2) While sitting next to them, read the most explicit parts of the “sealed section” in Cosmopolitan (or any other sort of trash magazine of choice which contains sexually explicit materials); with the page in full, open view to them…
3) Strategically drop the magazine onto the victim’s lap; smile and apologise profusely.
4) Then proceed to rescue it from the vicinity of their lap, accidentally brushing up against their crotch region. Did I mention accidentally?
5) Gaze intensely into their eyes and apologise profusely once again. Shift your gaze to the content present on the magazine page and back to them again…

Hot airline staff members (10 points per flight attendant/ 20 points per pilot**):

1) Pretend you’re asleep.
2) They will come over to check your seatbelt (read: this involves your lap being touched…).
3) Startled to discover that you’re actually awake, they will apologise profusely and justify that they were not “trying to feel you up”. This is your cue to engage in witty, sexual innuendo filled banter; question them as to why they were not trying to feel you up.
4) Coyly let them know that your seatbelt has not been adjusted to your satisfaction; and that you need a “hand” in doing so. (Note: for the sadists out there, this method can also get the staff member fired. Getting sex AND someone fired from their job? Awesome?!)

The holiday season is coming up (no pun intended). Hellllo, turbulence…

*Why only two? As the old saying goes, ‘the more the merrier’. If you’re ambitious, why not get all the passengers on the plane involved? (errrrm, the ones who are of age anyway… I will not be held legally responsible for your actions)

** Remember, it’s not called the cockpit for nothing…

Don't be that guy...

2007-10-22T17:08:00.000-07:00

Drawing upon personal observations and "How not to get laid", I have compiled a list of things you can do if you do not wish to score (this is only the beginning). However, if you do, don’t be that guy who:

• Begins any form of online communication with something along the lines of, “So, what are you wearing right now?”

• Is one inappropriate MSN conversation at work away from the IT department filing a complaint.

• Retires to the work bathroom to jerk off.

• Tells people he retired to the work bathroom to jerk off.

• Dances “at” people in clubs. Come on, if you aren’t already dancing “with” someone, I think it’s pretty clear dancing “at” them won’t result in any desirable outcome…

• Revs the engine of his luxury car or motorbike for attention. You don’t come off as suave. It is a metaphorical thrusting of the hips. Revving your engine as you speed down the road equates to repeatedly thrusting your hips as you are walking down the street and going about your daily business. The fact that you are drawing attention to your blatant material symbolism of the phallus just makes you come off as an insecure wank who has a small dick and/or a piss bland personality.

• Reeks of cheap deodorant from a can.

• Reeks of expensive cologne.

• Reeks of B.O.

• Reeks.

• Reeks of desperation.

apologies are in order

2007-10-21T21:26:00.000-07:00

For all of you who are now viewing my terrible creation thanks to a lack of html knowledge... Trust me the photos were comic genius...I'm sorry.

The idiocy of punks. An introduction for the beginner.

2007-10-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

As my second blog, it felt natural to delve into a world of shitdom and idiocy that for some unknown reason I have been unwillingly involved with for many years. Sometimes I look at it like one of those “choose your own adventure” books I read as a child, and unfortunately at the age of 14 I picked the wrong way, and fell into a cesspool of unhygienic ill-mannered alcoholics with superiority complexes.
This being said, on my chosen path, I met many characters, many of who can be placed into different genres of punk rock.
Come, on a journey with me through the shallow waters of punk, and perhaps one day I will be offered a job on animal planet.
Chaos punks
To begin our lesson, we see the “chaos” punk. These people believe that they cannot be held responsible for their own actions because every action has a reaction, or some shit like that. Therefore they go and beat the crap out of people of a weekend without having to think about the consequences. Often recognizable by brightly coloured hair up in the air, jackets that weigh more than their egos, and often say “politics are fucked” or “I don’t get into politics” because they don’t want to admit that they are uneducated, and have no moral substance.

Peace punks
These punks are very different to the likes of chaos and street punks. Instead of fighting they sew messages of peace onto their rotting pants. They often soak things that are white in tea, so they look like they aren’t as clean as they actually are. Cleanliness is shamefulness in the world of peace punk, and women stepping foot in the kitchen is taboo. As is deodorant, meat, dairy, television, house rental, jobs, bleached toilet paper, flushing toilets, and buying food in a supermarket. The only things peace punks can admit to is a lack of showering, and having a squat where they cook food that they scraped out of a bin.
Crust punks
These punks are well known for having rich parents. They use this to their advantage to travel around the world pretending to be poor and intelligent. Many crust punks believe they should use their genius to better society, so they need an excuse to not do anything useful. For this reason you will often spot a rogue crust punk on a university campus. Much like peace punks, they rub their clothes in mud and dirt, and are only allowed to wear black (although the exception to this rule being that once their black clothes fade to grey, this will further their crustiness). Also notable that the only consumerism a crust punk is allowed to take part in is buying records.

Horror punks
The most comical of all punks, this is due to incorporating a horror theme into their punkness. Many horror punks are also fans of psychobilly, due to the zombies and crap. Pretty much a day in the life of a horror punk would consist of waking up, making yourself appear as dead as possible, and then doing whatever any other punk does. They pretty much act like scum and take short breaks to go to the bottle shop

Gutter punks
Well.. This is what punks who stink even worse than crust punks refer to themselves as. It is pretty much the proud name any spotted dick that passes out from extreme binge drinking gives themselves. Generally covered in liquid shit. Would never lend your jacket to one. Would possibly lend one a dictionary.

How to get a shirtless guy to mow your lawn

2007-10-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

Whether you want garden maintenance or you just want to see your subject shirtless or you’re greedy and you want it all; here’s how to get a shirtless guy to mow your lawn…

1) Telephone, text, email or telegram subject. Communicate that they should come over and mow your lawn, shirtless; because it’d be really “hot”*. Place emphasis on the word “hot”.
2) They should arrive at your place of residence within 10 minutes.
3) Upon arrival, they will proceed to remove their shirt without hesitation and head straight for the lawnmower.
4) Unfolded your deck chair, sit down, crack open a can of Woodstock and place your pile of Cosmopolitan magazines on top of the esky; for easy access.
5) Enjoy the show. Telephone, text, email or telegram girlfriends to join you if you feel he is putting on a show worthy of sharing.

* If you did this on a 40 degrees Celsius and Total Fire Ban day, you will so not be lying. You can make him do just about anything by telling him that it would be “hot”. This extends to situations such as “You should totally cook me dinner because it’d be hot” (kitchen… ovens, stoves, hot… get it?!!!) through to “You should put Tabasco sauce on this dildo and insert it into one of your orifices because it’d be hot” (and this one’s self explanatory…). Under none of these circumstances are you lying; he is just taking it out of context.

Zine

2007-10-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

I'm putting together a zine (not an e-zine either... a real paper one that you can leave on your coffee table or beside the toilet!).
I need more articles so if either of you ladies have any posts (or series of posts would be great because it garauntees future editions) that you are particular proud of and would like to get published, please email or post them and then tell me which ones.
It seriously can be about anything.
It'll have a limited readership of about 30 copies, and it'll just be left on the Stikki Records coffee table.

If you know any writers/artists or whatever, tell em to share their fine services with me (stephywilecat@hotmail.com)

Ta :)

Yeah but...

2007-10-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

All the girlies are memorising tales of Happily Ever Afters, meticulously planning their chance meeting with Prince Charming.
All the girlies are batting their lashes, hitching their skirts, flashing their titties in some crude hope of finding their soulmate.

where the fuck is he?
he was meant to meet me here an hour ago.

All the girls hear a ticking inside them, it's their biological clock, ticking ticking, gotta mate gotta mate, it's a bomb it's a bomb gotta mate RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
WHERE THE FUCK IS HE

Growing with impatience she looks across the hoe down barn hall and in a crazed flurry of dotsy-do-ing, she grabs a partner by the hand and swings him round and round and round and heel and toe and off they go; 2.5 kids and an AVO.

...yeah but....

I don't hate men.
I don't hate marriage.
I don't hate love.

But all the girls are memorising their fairy tales and horror stories of crazy lonesome women CURSE THEIR COLD STONE WOMB.
All the girls are grabbing at men for dear life. Their clock is ticking. Their time is almost up.

FUCK YOU... I LIVE FOREVER.

"The Seth Cohen Syndrome"

2007-10-17T05:50:00.001-07:00

***ORIGINALLY POSTED Saturday, October 13, 2007 @ "I do my best thinking on the bus..."***

…the O.C has ruined a generation of males. The infamous Seth Cohen, sissy, nerdy, deceptive, spineless and just generally unmanly in all aspects, achieved the unthinkable - he scored the "hot girl". Correction: he also scored the "smart girl" and the "bad girl" too... Ever since this milestone in the television series, young men around the world have been convinced that in order to score chicks, they have to be whiny, "sensitive" and put on the "nice guy” front…

The "Seth Cohen Syndrome" (SCS) comprises of aesthetic elements and personality traits of the "Sensitive New Age Guy", "Metrosexual" and "Emo".

What draws chicks to guys who have "The Seth Cohen Syndrome"?

The other day, I was having a chat with a girlfriend of mine who is a serial sucker for the SCS. When asked what their appeal was, she answered with, "They're different. They usually dress well and they like stuff and they're usually really sweet and nice". This statement decoded reads as:

"They dress well..." - Often sporting typically "metrosexual", surf/skate and/or vintage and/or faux vintage apparel. Apparently, chicks dig this look.
"...they like stuff..." - This 'stuff' in question often refers to indie rock; cult films; science fiction; B-grade horror films, old-school video games; comic books; cartoons made in the 1980's and prior. Anything that screams 'irony' and 'nostalgia'. This seems to give them some sort of "alternative" cred; you know, interesting and edgy... but not TOO edgy. I.e. your grandma will still approve of him.
"...they're usually really sweet and nice." - The "sweet" and "nice" facade results from their somewhat effeminate, soft-spoken demeanour.

Basically...

The SCS makes it cool to be "uncool". Through wrapping "nerdy" interests and a feigned level of awkwardness in a shroud of trendy threads, it seems that any young man can deceive females on a mass scale into accepting that whiny and spineless are endearing traits.

DISCL(A)IM(E)R

2007-10-17T04:41:00.000-07:00

“Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.”
- George Eliot

Welcome to my online critique of many worldly subjects. My name is Booze Hag.
I opened this post with George Eliot’s quote, not so much because I believe it is fitting, more so to prove that I do not hate men. I even quote them in my posts. See? Men have a large impact on the world, and as such should be recognized for all their wonderful work.

However, some may say the term “sexist” would be suited to me. This may be true, although I feel like It is possible for me to get away with being a sexist pig, thanks to the plight of the feminists. Women came out of the kitchen and created a world where young gorgeous things like myself can express my inner most politically incorrect thoughts. A shout out to the Greer.
The world is full of manly men like George Eliot. George has a brain and I’m sure he would be quite adequate in the bedroom. He is chivalrous and respectful. He loves the arts. He has a career. He washes his own underpants. He knows how to cook, and clean.
George is starting to sound a little bit like a woman. On closer inspection, George is not suffering from SCS (Seth Cohan Syndrome), but George actually IS a woman. George Eliot, who is a recognized and celebrated Victorian author, also goes by the name of Mary Ann Evans. George Eliot was Mary’s pseudonym.
So what? You might say. Perhaps now, a more fitting quote should be stated. “Behind every great man there has to be a great woman”. This was stated by Aretha Franklin and the Eurythmics. I believe this quote to be quite truthful, and I feel it is worth exploring.

Why is the great woman behind the great man?

Women are, by nature, manipulative. It can be seen throughout nature that many animals take advantage of what are known as “hosts”. It is natural evolution for a smarter animal to take advantage of a err… well not so smart animal. It might not be fair, and it might not be equal, but nature doesn’t have anything to do with morals or ethics, and frankly, neither do I. Throughout the ages women have been taking the back seat, staying at home while the knuckle dragging cavemen go out and club each other over the head for that antelope carcass to drag back to the cave.
Many women have seen this as oppression, I see it more as a survival technique. I sure as hell love it when I get to sit on my fat arse and someone else brings me home food, don’t you?

In our world of cunning inventions and technology, much of which one can only assume has been created by a “George Eliot”, being an oppressed housewife has gotten easier and easier. You throw clothes in the washing machine and forget about them. You throw dishes in the dishwasher and forget about them. Your big brave hunter-gatherer brings home a frozen pizza, and you throw it in the oven and forget about it. The rest of the day can be spent basking in the glory of oppression with a bottle of wine in hand.

Us women make many sacrifices for our lifestyles. We sacrifice our vaginas to the disgusting man phlegm being vomited into our orifices. We then spew out babies from that same orifice. As stupid as our man-apes are, we do still need their pathetic love juice concoction to further the work of the great female. It is mere coincidence that the act of sex is all a neanderthal needs to keep his mouth shut.

So, to the point.. Why is there a great woman behind every great man?

Because really, the woman is the great one… the man is only great when it comes to Neanderthal dull and brute tasks. The great woman is behind the great big oaf of a man because she is metaphorically fucking him up the ass with a strap on.

Throughout my blogs I will often discuss the ways of "men" or the politically correct term nowdays is "idiot", and despite my beliefs that men are generally stupid, I feel it is important to point out that this is not their fault. It is an unfortunate genetic glitch that they cannot control.
So, boys – leave the intellectual stuff to the George Eliot’s of the world, and go back to hammering some shit into some other shit, and on your way home pick up some tampons, some take away and some bourbon

DISS-claimer

2007-10-17T03:52:00.000-07:00

I do my best thinking on the bus; and none of it is really about World Peace and climate change. Should I feel guilty? Nah...

You can probably tell I watch a bit too much Sex & the City, have too much sex in the city, read too much Cosmopolitan magazine, drink too many Cosmopolitans whilst reading magazines, read too much NW magazine and the papparazi are after me trying to get my crotch shots in NW magazine...

I'd like to say that my writing is not a depiction of any real persons or events. But that would be a lie... chances are, what we write will probably hit a nerve. If you find it applicable to you, your heart may sink and/or you will shit your pants.

I may come off sounding like a feminazi at times but I'm not. I'm just an angry little girl. I have my optimistic moments but I'll most likely keep them to myself...