As my second blog, it felt natural to delve into a world of shitdom and idiocy that for some unknown reason I have been unwillingly involved with for many years. Sometimes I look at it like one of those “choose your own adventure” books I read as a child, and unfortunately at the age of 14 I picked the wrong way, and fell into a cesspool of unhygienic ill-mannered alcoholics with superiority complexes.
This being said, on my chosen path, I met many characters, many of who can be placed into different genres of punk rock.
Come, on a journey with me through the shallow waters of punk, and perhaps one day I will be offered a job on animal planet.
Chaos punks
To begin our lesson, we see the “chaos” punk. These people believe that they cannot be held responsible for their own actions because every action has a reaction, or some shit like that. Therefore they go and beat the crap out of people of a weekend without having to think about the consequences. Often recognizable by brightly coloured hair up in the air, jackets that weigh more than their egos, and often say “politics are fucked” or “I don’t get into politics” because they don’t want to admit that they are uneducated, and have no moral substance.
Peace punks
These punks are very different to the likes of chaos and street punks. Instead of fighting they sew messages of peace onto their rotting pants. They often soak things that are white in tea, so they look like they aren’t as clean as they actually are. Cleanliness is shamefulness in the world of peace punk, and women stepping foot in the kitchen is taboo. As is deodorant, meat, dairy, television, house rental, jobs, bleached toilet paper, flushing toilets, and buying food in a supermarket. The only things peace punks can admit to is a lack of showering, and having a squat where they cook food that they scraped out of a bin.
Crust punks
These punks are well known for having rich parents. They use this to their advantage to travel around the world pretending to be poor and intelligent. Many crust punks believe they should use their genius to better society, so they need an excuse to not do anything useful. For this reason you will often spot a rogue crust punk on a university campus. Much like peace punks, they rub their clothes in mud and dirt, and are only allowed to wear black (although the exception to this rule being that once their black clothes fade to grey, this will further their crustiness). Also notable that the only consumerism a crust punk is allowed to take part in is buying records.
Horror punks
The most comical of all punks, this is due to incorporating a horror theme into their punkness. Many horror punks are also fans of psychobilly, due to the zombies and crap. Pretty much a day in the life of a horror punk would consist of waking up, making yourself appear as dead as possible, and then doing whatever any other punk does. They pretty much act like scum and take short breaks to go to the bottle shop
Gutter punks
Well.. This is what punks who stink even worse than crust punks refer to themselves as. It is pretty much the proud name any spotted dick that passes out from extreme binge drinking gives themselves. Generally covered in liquid shit. Would never lend your jacket to one. Would possibly lend one a dictionary.
Whether you want garden maintenance or you just want to see your subject shirtless or you’re greedy and you want it all; here’s how to get a shirtless guy to mow your lawn…
